Coffee Date: Self Reflections

Late at Japan Town San Francisco

Learn to be okay on your own. I never realized how much I depended on others to make me feel safe. Growing into adulthood has made me realize that my parents or friends can’t be everywhere with me. Once the training wheels are off, I have to go exploring on my own. I’ve depended on people to accompany me to places I’d like to go to. Sometimes I observe that maybe I’m the only one enjoying the day much more than they are. Maybe it’s my insecurities, but there are also limits to what you can do when you are with someone. You have to take into account their preferences, their time, and the energy they have. This isn't about the negatives of hanging out with people but a self-reflection of embracing those moments of solitude. 

Humans are social creatures, we were created in a way where socializing helps us make healthy connections. Not everyone we connect with is good for us but we can learn from those experiences to find others who better fit into our life. There’s many kinds of personalities and quirks a person has. You won’t find a perfect person on this earth that matches your qualities 100 percent. In order for you to make connections, you have to learn to love them. Our connections here on earth are a reflection of our connection to God. If we live in complete isolation, how do you think that impacts our connection with God?

We live in a world where anxiety has taken over every corner. Looming in the streets, and we have given it power to rule us by feeding it what it wants. When I moved back to my home city I was a teenager in high school. Crossing the street frightened me, but I had to do it in order to walk my dog who grew up in a large yard. Letting him run around as he pleased. I couldn’t possibly do that in a busy city where cars barely stop to let you walk your right of way. So, the transition was very difficult. I was terrified, my heart was palpitating and tears swelled up in my eyes. When I arrived home I was sweating, red in the face, crying on the stairs because I had an anxiety attack. My brother who saw me earlier in the garage trying to lift weights, asked me if I was okay because he had thought I hurt myself. I told him I was okay. Everything after that I cannot remember, I can only remember how terrible I felt. I couldn’t face my fear. Throughout high school and college, I gave my classmates excuses to not attend gatherings or study groups due to anxiety. Unless I was confident that my very close friends would attend as well. I knew I had to change. 

One day during a science class in college, I decided to join a study group that my classmate kept inviting me to. She was kind and loved to talk and always encouraged me to go. So one day I told her I’d be there, and I got dressed up and ready and by the time I had to leave my anxiety kicked in. Pacing and panicking about the situation. The meet up was late afternoon and I would arrive home in the evening. The meeting place was downtown, which is quite far from home. I don’t talk to more than half of these people, I thought what if they don’t talk to me. So many things went through my mind. I think our biggest enemy is our own minds. I fully convinced myself it wasn’t good to go out. So, I let my friend know that I couldn’t make it and that something came up. I cried so much that day because I felt pathetic 

This type of anxiety is a learned behavior, a behavior that is conditioned into us as children. Parents who worry so much create anxiety in their kids. Looking back, I wished I was encouraged more. All I needed was a little encouragement that things will be okay, and I’ll have fun. Encouraging me with God’s blessing that he would be with me wherever I go. I don’t regret my life, since it’s made me into someone who can be understanding. I can relate to others in a way. I can listen to them so they can be heard. Sometimes trying to find a solution overrides the listening part of a conversation. Have to take a step back and remember my past. Sometimes as we heal and grow, we forget where we come from, it causes us to have a lack of compassion for others during their time in need.

Having a coffee date with myself was a form of exposure therapy. Building the courage to sit at a cafe and not mind other people. Most people keep to themselves; they don’t care what goes on around them. Though my anxiety had convinced me that all eyes were on me. People can see me. I thought being alone made me stand out so much. That could be far from the truth. Unless I’m obnoxiously noisy, no one even bats an eye in my direction. Most of the time they are absorbed in their laptop, book or phone. My first moment at a cafe, I ordered a pastry and a coffee, and I was determined to sit alone at a table to eat and drink. Not even a few bites in and my mind was telling me that people were watching me. I felt like I didn't belong there. My face turned hot with embarrassment, swallowing chunks of my croissant. It felt very unpleasant, before I could finish my snack I got up and left. I took my snack home with me and ate the rest there. It for sure took time, I did things like sit in public spaces, sit in a cafeteria, enter stores alone to window shop. There are so many things you can do alone when you are not chained to anxiety. I still struggle with new places, but once I visit I become familiar with the environment. 

As I write this sitting at a cafe, I reminisce about how far I’ve come. I enjoy new places, and I am not hindered by the lies anxiety has told me. Not to say anxiety has left me but my desires have caused me to move past the worry. Being okay with yourself, helps you to be more independent in situations where independence is required. Taking a step into the unknown is scary, but it can build confidence when making new connections. Learning to embrace your solo moments makes you more in tune with yourself. We need these solo moments to build our relationship with God. 

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Thanks for reading! Something new, sometimes I feel like If I don't remember my past I will soon forget them.

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